


Choosing, Chosen

by Origami_Roses



Category: Valdemar - Mercedes Lackey
Genre: Gen, Valdemar Companions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-03-28 10:00:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13901652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Origami_Roses/pseuds/Origami_Roses
Summary: Growing up - a Companion's POV





	1. Perfect... Just Perfect

Meriden stood alone in the middle of the Companion’s Field, wishing today didn’t exist. She hated days like this- especially today. It was the tail end of winter when heaven and earth were arguing whether spring would arrive or not. Tiny blades of tender, succulent grass, barely visible through the mat of last year’s growth argued valiantly for spring; the iron grey sky and biting winds, for winter. A few tiny, defiant snowflakes drifted down to land on her nose. Meriden sighed. Perfect...just perfect. The snow made today just EXACTLY like the terrible depressing day a year ago - exactly a year ago - when Mother left, and didn’t return.  
She hadn’t been left all on her own, of course. No Companion child ever was, with most the mares and no few of the stallions willing to watch over and take care of any foal. But Companion foals stayed with their mothers almost exclusively for the first few years, before gradually joining the herd at large. Meriden had been several months shy of two when her mother had gently said good-bye early one morning, promising to return shortly from the routine message run her Herald had been called on. That night, the Death Bell had tolled.  
_*Meri*_ \- a cheerful voice interrupted Meriden’s gloomy thoughts - _*it’s time for lessons, dear.*_ Meriden’s ears went back. Jehani, her surrogate mom and instructor, insisted on using the nickname Mother had given her. Meriden hated it - hated that that anyone but Mother would call her that. Hated that Mother never would again. Then, with a sigh, Meriden turned and slowly went to her lessons. Life went on, even when she didn’t particularly want it to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_*The bond between Heralds and their Companions is vital. Heralds understand this, though they do not fully understand the bond itself. We permit them their ignorance, in this as in many other things. As Companions, however, you must understand the nature of this bond in order to best help and protect your Herald. Your lives depend on this. Literally. Though there are perhaps a half dozen ways for the Herald/Companion bond to be broken, the most common is through the death of either. A Herald can survive the breaking of the bond, the Companion cannot - with the single exception of the Grove Born, whose bond is unique. If the Herald dies, the Companion follows. If the Companion is killed, the Herald, though crippled, can survive, though often does not. In the case of……*_  
Is that what happened to Mother? Meriden wondered, her attention wavering from what Jehani was saying. Did her Herald die, pulling her along, too? How unfair that she would follow and leave me!  
An insistent buzzing pulled Meriden from the bitter grief of her introspection. Blasted fly! she thought, flicking an ear. Despite the wintry chill, she’d been bothered by flies on and off the past month. And she seemed to be the only one so afflicted. Buzzzzz….. She shook her head vigorously to persuade the fly to go bug one of her classmates instead.  
Meriden became aware of the silence. Jehani and her four yearmates were watching her curiously… and the stupid fly was still buzzing in her ear.  
_~~What!?~~_ she asked defensively. _~~That fly is buzzing me buggy.~~_  
Someone snickered. Probably Rohan, if the look Jehani gave him was any indication. As Meriden shook her head again, Jehani asked, _*Does it seem to be moving around? Have you heard it before? As there are no flies at this time of year, Meri, you may be hearing the first stirrings of your Herald-to-be’s Gifts. You will eventually be able to find him or her by following the noise you hear.*_  
Now that she thought about it, Meriden realized that the fly had been at her right ear the whole time. She told Jehani this, adding _~~but last time it was behind me, and the time before that it went back and forth all around my head. I don’t think it could be a Herald’s Gifts awakening.~~_  
Jehani cocked her head, amused. _*Were you facing the same direction you are now, or moving around? Unless your Herald-to-be is roving around a great deal, I suspect you’ll find this buzzing would’ve led you out of Haven in the same general direction each time.*_  
Rohan snickered again, and Meriden promised herself she’d “accidentally” kick him sometime soon. _~~I-I suppose so. But…I don’t want a Herald!~~ … ~~Not yet.~~_ she amended at the shocked looks around her.  
_*Don’t worry about it too much, Meri**_ , Jehani soothed. _**It can take several months for a Gift to awaken sufficiently to truly Call you. Some gifts never do.*_ She looked around at the class. _*You are all young enough I wouldn’t have expected any of you to be hearing the possibilities of the future, yet. However, as the subject has come up, let’s turn our lesson today to some of the other possible ways you may each perceive your intended Herald’s awakening, and how to recognize a genuine Call….*_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As class ended, the sun emerged from the clouds, however momentarily. The grey mood of the morning didn’t reclaim her completely, though with the anniversary of her mother’s death still hanging heavily on her spirits, she wanted solitude. Meriden managed to escape her classmates’ ongoing discussion of what, to her, was an irritation. A buzzing little bug she couldn’t even swat. Hrmmph! Who needs a Herald anyway? Why would anyone want to be bugged into bonding with someone just to die. Hrmmph!


	2. What Friends Are For

Jehani watched Meriden wander off on her own after class, ignoring her classmates' cheerful banter and invitations. Meriden's laid back ears and drooping head told her everything she needed to know about the hurt anger her heart-daughter was mired in. Jehani's own heart was grief-heavy; she supposed she really couldn't expect Meriden to be happy today of all days. Anniversaries were hard, and the first one the hardest. Meriden's mother, Typhani, had been her very best friend growing up, and the loss still hurt. Jehani knew from experience that the grief and pain would fade with time - she had lost many good friends over the years. But Meriden was still so young, and to have her first loss be such a great one had torn her past Jehani's ability to comfort, though she did her best. Deciding to let Meriden brood alone for now, Jehani turned her steps elsewhere.

She found Taver in the barn, getting a nice rub down from his Herald after a workout. The glazed-over look in his eyes nearly made her giggle. Grooming was one of the very few times the Grove-Born stallion ever looked less than ready to take on any problem. He was certainly one of the more handsome stallions around - and even the other stallions admitted it. She was sure part of that just came of being a Grove-Born, but eye-candy was eye-candy. She kept her thoughts well shielded so as not to disturb his pleasure, and just enjoyed watching him. It was a very soothing diversion from her sad thoughts.

Taver gave his Herald an affectionate nudge as the rub-down ended, and they shared a brief hug before the King's Own left, and Taver turned to Jehani. _**Thank you for waiting. We had a lot to discuss.**_ His mind-voice was both amused and grateful. _**I assume you are here for reasons beyond watching me drool in semi-comatose ecstasy? **_

Now Jehani did giggle. _*You're handsome even when drooling, and you know it.*_

Taver's nose went in the air in mock-haughtiness as he posed like some foppish human courtier _**Yes, yes, I know, I know. I am the epitome of all beauty, outshining even the sun itself in the glory that is me!**_ He shook his head and chuckled, relaxing. _**I shall leave that particular delusion to those with less experience and fewer responsibilities. What can I help you with, Jehani? You carry a heavier burden than usual today.**_

Jehani stepped closer, and gently ran her nose along his. _*Just wanted to talk a bit. I'm not sure there's anything to be done, really.*_ Grief momentarily choked her, and Taver turned to stand alongside her, arcing his neck to hold her and pull her into a hug. Jehani leaned into it.

_**There, now, dearheart. At the least you can tell me, and there will be two of us to carry this load.**_

Not even trying to find words, Jehani showed him her grief and distress, the concerns she had over Meriden, the petty little issues and annoyances that came from being a teacher that just added into the mix. And Taver took part of the burden from her. The concerns were still there but lighter, bearable; the grief no longer threatened to choke her words though her heart was still heavy with it. _*Thank you.*_

 _**You are welcome. I am glad to share your burdens. That is what friends are for, after all. And I thank you**_ , he replied. _**You are right to be worried. It appears that Meriden has no friend to share her burdens. Time alone will not heal her pain, I fear, and if she does not begin to heal soon, she may begin to reject all healing. I would not lose any of us to such a fate.**_ He sighed. _**We lose enough of us as it is.**_

Jehani reached up to gently stroke her nose along his neck, soothing him wordlessly. _*Is that what you were discussing just now?*_

_**Yes. Valdemar is growing again, and Heralds are spread thinner than we'd like as it is. It is getting harder and harder for our mentoring Heralds to teach their Trainees everything they need and still take care of all the duties they have. Every year we get more Chosen from the farther, newer corners of the kingdom, and they have so very much to learn about everything. This year we had two newly chosen who can barely write their own names, and with the coming growth, we are going to get more. I fear that we will soon have Trainees greatly outnumbering available mentors, and that a large percentage of them will be terribly ignorant, and fundamentally defenseless. We lose too many experienced Heralds as it is; I do not wish to put untrained youngsters in danger as well. I do not know how we will deal with this.**_

Jehani blinked. The answer was obvious to her. But of course, she was a teacher. _*Put them in classes. Teach them in a group, just as I do with our young ones. Give them a couple years of teaching here in Haven where they will be safe and can learn the basics before sending them out to get the details and experience with their mentors. You can have better control of how many are out with each mentor, and can make sure they are ready to be a help instead of just a burden. If some take longer or need more assistance, they can get it.*_

Taver chuckled ruefully. _**That is a good idea. I am slightly embarrassed that we hadn't seen so obvious a solution. We could also make sure they had some training with weapons. That would help avoid any more... messy incidents. Thank you, dearheart. You have just taken one of my biggest troubles and made it float away. Now we just need to deal with the politics of getting it implemented.**_

_*I am glad to share your burdens. That is what friends are for, after all.*_

_**I thought that was my line.**_

_*Well, friends share lines, too.*_


	3. What Should I Call You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A heart-to-heart with a little silliness thrown in for good measure.

As the after class discussion broke up into the usual horseplay, Rohan looked around, but couldn't see Meri anywhere. She'd been so different lately. So standoffish. Just a year ago, they'd been good friends, teasing each other and playing. She was fun. Then her mother had gone, and Meri wasn't fun any more. His mom said to give her space, give her time, she'd be okay and they'd be friends again, but it hadn't happened. She'd just started disappearing, and being grumpy when he found her. She didn't like jokes any more, either, which was really weird because Meri loved jokes. Rohan knew she was sad, but she wouldn't even talk to him or let him cheer her up or anything. Today he'd thought maybe things were a little better. She'd been so funny, but had given him a really dirty look when he laughed. He didn't get it, but he was going to get his friend back.

He eventually found her in the farthest, most overgrown corner of the Field. Leaning against... Taver?? Why was the Grove-Born with Meri?? Rohan bounced a little, undecided. It would be rude to interrupt, but he really wanted to see her. Maybe with Taver there she wouldn't ignore him or run away this time. 

Taver bent his head to whuff in her ear, and Meri rubbed her head against Taver's shoulder and turned to look back at Rohan. Then looked away, ignoring him again. That hurt. Rohan dropped his head and sighed. She really didn't like him any more and he didn't know why. 

_**Come join us.**_ Taver's quiet invitation startled him into looking up again. Meriden was looking at him, and nodded her head. Rohan tentatively moved forward, head down and out in conciliation and uncertainty. Meriden stepped forward to meet him, rubbing noses in greeting, though still not saying anything. Her eyes were as sad as he'd ever seen them, but somehow brighter, too. 

He returned the greeting, happy she was finally paying attention to him. _~I've missed you, Meri. Why don't you play with us any more?~_

Meriden flinched. _~~Please don't call me that.~~_

_~What? ...Meri? ...Why? I've always-~_  
_~~Please don't. Please?~~_

***~~~***~~~***

**earlier**

Meriden found the solitude she was craving in the deepest, most sheltered corner of Companion's Field. A bit of nosing around revealed the tender shoots of spring grass, taking advantage of the sheltered conditions to grow earlier and taller than elsewhere in the Field. Though she had little appetite, Meriden nibbled the succulent treat. The slightly sweet, juicy stems were a nice change from the hay and dry oats that saw them through the winter.

Rustling in the brush and the crackle of dry twigs behind her warned her she was no longer alone. Probably Rohan, she thought. Why does he always come to bother me? Why can't he just leave me alone? She was really not in a mood to be bothered today, and decided it was as good a time as any for giving him that not-so-accidental kick she'd promised herself. Still nibbling delicately at the grass, Meriden eased around so her hindquarters were pointing directly toward the rustling. Taking a quick peek between her legs to aim, she nearly squeaked in horror when she saw Taver standing there instead of her yearmate. From the amused look in his eyes, the Grove-Born stallion was clearly aware of the intentions behind her oh-so-casual maneuvering. 

He'd seen her peeking, too. With a guilty jump, Meriden turned to face Taver, trying to stammer an apology, when Taver cut her off. _**Mind if I join you for a snack?**_ Completely nonplussed, Meriden stepped aside to allow Taver better access to the small patch of grass. Her brain seemed to have shut off, and she just stared stupidly as Taver stepped forward with a polite _**Thank you, Meriden**_. 

The added shock of hearing him say her name had Meriden gasping _~~How do you know my name??~~_

_**I do try to keep up with the various goings-on in the herd, and that includes learning everyone's name. You are Meriden. Your mother was Typhani, you take orientation classes with Jehani, and have been being bothered by "flies"._ Taver kept his tone light and friendly so as not to offend the filly. _**You also do not like spending much time with your age-mates. I wonder why?**_

 _~~They just gossip about such boring silly pointless things.~~_ Meriden didn't quite know where that statement had come from, but as her shock wore off, she registered the first part of what Taver had said. _~~Jehani told you!~~_ For some reason, Meriden felt quite betrayed that Jehani would tell Taver she didn't want a Herald. Surely that was why Taver was here. To scold her or something and tell her she'd have to have one, like it or not. What other possible reason would _The Grove-Born_ have for seeking _her_ out.

Taver sensed her rising panic, and sent a quiet wash of peace her way. _**Yes, she did, but that is not why I'm here.**_

Meriden relaxed slightly. _~~Oh. Um.~~_ she said intelligently, and looked intently at her hooves. She felt Taver’s smile.

_**Even had Jehani said nothing, I would have come to speak with you this day. I have watched you, Meriden, and watched over you this past year. It is both my duty and an honor to oversee the herd and its well-being, both wholly, and individually. Jehani did, indeed speak to me today. She is worried about you, and I, too, am concerned. I understand your grief, perhaps better than you know. I am currently in my fourth pairing, and know well the pain of loss of one dearer than self. I also know - as you do not, yet - the fulfillment a Bonding brings, its healing from the pain of loss.**_

Meriden shivered a little, and turned away. Taver moved beside her to pull her into the Companion version of a hug, still radiating quiet peace to help her calm down. She leaned her head against his chest, and accepted the comfort he offered, understanding that he grieved for and with her. It helped. A little. For the first time, she remembered he had done this before, in the first few days after her mother’s death, as the shock had worn off and grief had left her nearly senseless. Jehani had been with her, too, but it had been Taver who buoyed her past that first despair. Taver who gave her the strength to collect her wits, who had reached past the hurt with love and understanding to assure her she wasn’t alone. Taver who gave her the same comfort now. 

Suddenly, Meriden was slightly embarrassed. Not quite enough to pull away from the embrace, but enough to change the subject. _~~At today’s lesson, Jehani said the Grove Born have a unique bond. How? Why?~~_

_**We Grove Born do not pass through the portal of birth, and thus remember much of what lies before birth and beyond death. We are tasked to provide continuity from one generation to the next, and given the ability to do so. We are Bound with a double bond: the usual one with a Herald, and a separate bond to That Which Is Beyond - what humans call God in so many different names. This extra bond allows us to survive and recover from the pain and shock of the breaking of the Heraldic Bond. We suffer, certainly, for a piece of our heart is torn with the sundering, but That Which Is Above All grants us healing, that the promises made may remain unbroken. There is healing for you, also, Meriden, if you are willing to accept it.**_

_~~What do you mean? Healing just...happens, doesn’t it? Jehani keeps saying “time heals all” and stuff like that. If you just wait long enough, you wake up one morning and the pain is gone.~~_

_**Not exactly, dear one. Time puts distance between you and what caused the hurt. That distance lets you see the pain from a different perspective, that is all. For physical hurts, time seems to be the healer, but it is your body actively working on healing. It takes time for the healing to be done, but your own body is doing the work. Even if you are receiving the help of a Healer, more than half of what the Healer does is direct your body what to do, and provide the energy for it to do so faster. And you can certainly prevent healing from happening by constantly picking at the scabs and reopening the wound.  
**Wounds to the heart and spirit are much the same. Time provides distance and perspective, but you must be part of the healing. Every time you revisit in memory the pain and circumstances, you reopen the wound. An argument with a friend, for instance, played and replayed in memory keeps the anger and hurt alive. “I should have said...” becomes a poison, as the “should haves” are most often hurtful things that were not said, rather than apologies or words of peace. Hurtful words that will be said all the more easily in the next argument, causing new and deeper wounds. Dwelling on hurts makes them seem bigger, and with the heart and spirit can actually make them bigger. When you dwell too long, too often, on your grief and anger, you reopen the wound, and cannot properly heal. It is necessary to let go of it.**_

_~~ But I don’t want to forget Mother! I love her!~~_

_** Oh, Meriden,**_ Taver's words carried a whole dictionary of emotion. _**I do not ask you to forget your Mother. She was a wonderful, sweet, beautiful, loving lady. I ask you to remember the love. Forgive the hurt, let go of the anger you carry. The grief will take its own time to retreat, and it will occasionally come forward again, but anger is a terribly heavy burden, and you have carried it long enough. I know you fear that in forgetting, you will lose more than you already have. In truth, the anger you carry, both toward your Mother and toward her Herald for dying, dims the memory of the love and happy times you shared with her. The anger you hold for Jehani for not being your Mother blinds you to the love she truly has for you. If you hold onto that anger, you WILL lose far more than your Mother. You will lose the truest and best memories of her, and you will lose the ability to give and accept love. Living in anger will not bring you happiness. Forgiveness will bring you healing, and open your heart to the joys and love that surround you still. Remember your Mother in her happiest moments! Remember her kindness and warmth. Remember the small beauties and joys of living, and learn to enjoy them again. Accept the Healing which is there for you and for all who are willing to be healed. You have a future before you, and do not need the burdens you have chosen to carry weighing you down as you move toward it.  
**You are a Companion. So long as there are those in this land who desire true justice to reign, so long as the majority of people who dwell here will accept their rulers’ efforts to be good and impartial and fair in their dealings and rulings, for that span will Companions choose Heralds, and remain here to assist them. Companions are drawn to those who desire justice, who sincerely wish to make things better for all, and who are willing to work and sacrifice to do so. This is what Heralds do, and Companions help them. Someday, you too may be Called to do so. You have chosen this path and been sent by That Which Rules Us All to be a force for good in this land. Whether that shall be in Bonding with a Herald, or in raising and guiding the herd, I cannot foresee. Will you lay down the burden of anger and move forward?**_

 _....~~I...I’ll try.~~_ Meriden sniffled. _~~....could, um, could you please get Jehani to stop calling me Meri, though?~~_

_**I will speak with her about it. Is there some specific reason?**_

_~~I just... Mother would, and...~~_ Meriden's voice choked off again, and she wished she could cry. Taver pulled her closer and wrapped her in a sense of love she hadn't felt in ages.

_**I understand. It's one more reminder that someone else is standing in her stead, and makes it just that much harder to move past it. I will speak with Jehani. She will understand.**_

Meriden sniffle again, and burrowed into Taver's embrace. _~~and could ... could we maybe talk some more, later?~~_ she asked hesitantly, almost embarrassed at making such a request, as though she was important enough to make demands on his time. 

_**Of course, Meriden. I would be happy to make time for you.**_ Taver could clearly feel her doubt and lack of self-worth. Grief could be such an insidious thing, and the negative loop Meriden had been in could have permanently crippled her had it gone much longer. Taver was glad it had not come to that. She did need a Herald, he reflected. The absolute love of that bond would be so good for her, and having someone adore her that unmistakeably would fill in and smooth over all the little cracks in her soul. Taver would need to see to it that she was on her way to healing before that happened, though. A partnership required equals. Not a one-sided dependency. _**You are indeed young, yet, to be hearing the future, even as Jehani said. Your grief and loss may have opened you up to it. Even as great trauma can force a Herald’s Gifts to ripeness early, so, too can a Companion’s maturity be brought on. I think it is time for you to spend more time with the herd at large. You are nearly of an age to be properly introduced. To “come out” as our human partners would say. You will still have classes with your agemates, of course, but I think being accepted as more than a child will help you. You say you find your agemates' gossip silly and boring, so perhaps you will find the adults' gossip a bit less shallow and more interesting.**_ Meriden could swear Taver was teasing her. _**Much of it is still pointless, though.**_ He  was teasing her. She was shocked. Again. Surely the Grove-Born wasn't supposed to act like that!

Putting the thought aside as not worth pursuing, Meriden again relaxed against his side, finding peace in Taver's warm presence, both mental and physical. She slipped into a state of not-thinking, letting him cushion her from her own heartache, accepting the respite he offered. She hadn't realized how much she'd needed someone. Someone to listen. Someone to talk to. And having that someone be _the Grove-Born_? For the first time since Mother died, she felt that maybe the hole in her heart wasn't draining all the color out of life, that maybe there was still something in the world worth being.

Taver's quiet voice broke the now-comfortable silence, _**It seems we have a visitor.**_ He turned to look behind them, and huffed gently in amusement, breath stirring her forelock.

Meriden brushed her head against his shoulder, wiping away tears she couldn't shed, and looked in the direction he'd indicated. Rohan. Bouncing and happy. It figured he would come bug her some more. The pest. She turned back, not wanting the peace she'd found here broken.

_**He comes as a friend, Meriden. Friends help each other. He is young, and does not know how to help you, yet, but he wants to. He cares about you. Give him a chance?**_

Meriden acquiesced with a small sigh, and turned with Taver to face Rohan. She was surprised at how dejected he looked, head drooping, tail tucked in.

 _**Come join us,**_ Taver invited.

Rohan's head came up, ears pricked, looking hopefully at her. Not at Taver. At her. Silently asking her permission. Maybe Taver was right, and he didn't mean to be a pest. She nodded her own invitation, and Rohan came to join them, uncertainly in every line of his body and hope in his eyes. She'd never noticed the concerned kindness in his eyes before, and for the first time in moons Meriden remembered how they used to play together. Constant Companions, bosom buddies, forever friends. Yes, she could give him a chance.

_~I've missed you, Meri.~_ Rohan said, eagerly returning her tentative greeting. _~Why don't you play with us any more?~_

Meriden flinched at the nickname, the knife of her grief cutting once more. _~~Please don't call me that.~~_

 _~What? ...Meri? ...Why? I've always-~_  
_~~Please don't. Please?~~_ She couldn't bear it.

 _~Ok. If that's what you want.~_ Rohan's mindvoice clearly showed his utter confusion. _~So...um, what should I call you?~_

_~~Just Meriden.~~_

_~Ok, Just Meriden.~_ He was grinning. She could tell. Her ears went back as she dropped her head and whuffed in exasperation. But she couldn't help smiling inside, just a little. 

Taver was also amused. If Meriden would open up just enough to let a friend back into her heart, she'd be all right in time. _**Just talk with him, Meriden.**_ He suggested privately. _**Or let him talk. He seems more than ready to share all the latest gossip.**_ The slightly disgusted look Meriden gave him was adorable, and so much better than the utter despondency she'd been in. Taver winked at her and bid them both farewell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning: next chapter is shaping up to be a tear-jerker. There are basically two different paths I can see this story going, and I'm not sure which I'll do. The end of the next chapter is where they diverge, though, so you're warned to expect tears either way.


End file.
